Moms are TOTALLY embarrassing!

Look. All of the bitching about Moms on Facebook has got to stop. I just watched a video of a dude who outlined an entire PowerPoint presentation for dealing with Moms on Facebook that ended with this nugget:

According to him (and you can watch the video here), more people are searching for ways to deal with their Moms on Facebook than are searching for ways to Find God.

So here's my solution for how to deal with Moms on Facebook:
GET OVER IT.

But! What about my PRIVACY?!?!?
In case you weren't aware, Facebook is on the Internet, dummy. It's public. You HAVE NO PRIVACY on the Internet.

Once you start putting your life online, your mom is not the only one who can see what you're up to and judge you for it. There are, in fact, entire sites dedicated to calling out dumb-ass behavior on Facebook. Just one example of someone looking you up online: future employers. It is a FACT that companies can and will choose whether or not to hire you based on what they find about you online.

Also, here's a revelation--you don't actually WANT privacy. If you wanted privacy, you would un-tag or delete those embarrassing pictures, you wouldn't air out your relationship problems in your damn status update, and you wouldn't tell the world about every minute detail of your life.

What you want is ATTENTION. It's not entirely your fault--our society rewards the famous more than anyone else, even those who gain notoriety for being complete and utter dumb shits. You want that too, and that's okay. But all those famous people also have parents, and have had no choice but to accept a more open relationship with them. Loss of privacy is a trade off and consequence of increased fame and attention. You want one, you get the other, period.

But! I can't be MYSELF!
Sure you can. This is only really a problem if
A) Being yourself involves being a complete and total douche bag
B) You lie to your parents on a regular basis and have a crappy relationship
or C) Your parents have had every other thought and experience in their lives surgically removed from their brains except for all of their lovely memories of YOU.

Let's start with C)
When I learned that my mom had discovered my blog, I had a small moment of panic and gasped, "But I swear on my blog!" And then I rolled my eyes at myself and GOT OVER IT because guess what? Mom has read, heard, and even uttered curse words before. I know, SHOCKING, right?

One of my favorite examples of living life publicly for all to see, including Mom, is Dooce. Here is a woman who talks about everything from hemorrhoids to duck farts in her blog and in person, and if you read her awesome and highly detailed story of the birth of her second daughter, you will note that she was in so much pain she was screaming profanities right in front of her very own darling mother. And her mom remained unphased.

You know why? Our parents have heard it all before. They had whole entire LIVES before we even showed up. Your parents did all kinds of stuff before you were born, and here's a real shocker: some of them still do! The idea that your mom has nothing better to do than wash your clothes and stalk you on the Internet is stupid.

As for B) Quit lying to your parents. If you are making adult decisions and enjoying the fun and freedom of adult behavior, then it is time to have an adult relationship with your parents. With or without Facebook, they probably know or at least assume you're making some dumb choices anyway, and they probably still like you just fine.

One of my favorite stories of a mother-son relationship is this one: A guy I know went to college and fully rebelled against many of the rules of his loving, yet conservative, upbringing. When his mom came to visit him at school, he took her to lunch, sat her down and said, "Mom. I have to tell you something. I drink. I smoke. I have tattoos. And I'm no longer going to church."

First of all, she was relieved because she thought he was going to tell her he'd gotten someone pregnant, which I just think is funny. Then she responded, "I do wish you'd go to church. But you REALLY shouldn't smoke." Which, hi, she's totally right--smoking is really bad for you.

The point is, she didn't lose her mind over what turned out to be a fairly small revelation about her son. In fact, there is a lot of value to being honest with your parents, especially as an adult. I recognize and respect that not everyone has loving parents who want the best for them, and those situations should be handled differently. But if your parents DO love you and want the best for you, and you're lying to them anyway? Knock it off.

Finally, A) Easy solution: Quit acting like a total douche bag.

If you're all weirded out or even ashamed by the idea of your mom finding out about your behavior, then I'd like to take a moment to congratulate your mom for raising you right. That means that that nagging voice in the back of your head telling you not to do that stupid thing? That's your MOM. That voice is trying to save you from yourself. Maybe instead of worrying about what she'll think of you when she finds out, you should LISTEN TO HER.

But! My mom is EMBARRASSING ME!

First of all, if you're a teenager: I know right?? Moms are TOTALLY embarrassing! It's like it's their JOB or something. GOD.

Now, if you are NOT a teenager: Oh, honey. You have a mom who wants to be involved in your life, who cares about how you're doing, and has fond memories of your childhood with pictures to back it up? That's... awesome. No, really. Have you seen Precious: Based on the novel Push by Sapphire? Or met anyone outside of your own little world who didn't grow up exactly like you did? Because not all moms and dads care that much, dude. Some of them suck, mightily. Some people don't even HAVE moms, how sad is that? If you have a mom, and she's still around, and she doesn't suck, maybe you should take a minute to be grateful. (Yes, I realize I just sounded JUST LIKE HER just then. No, I am not your mom writing this in disguise. Or a mom at all, in fact. I'm just someone who is lucky and knows it.)

Also, check this out--all your friends? That you're worried about impressing with your cool, unsupervised life? They also have moms (again, if they're lucky). They know what it is to be embarrassed. What a fun thing to share, have in common, and laugh about. I mean, you do have a sense of humor, right?

But! But!
You have officially run out of buts. (Heh. "Butts.") Your mom being on Facebook does not actually mean that your life is over. There is officially nothing left to do, but get over it. Either live your life publicly on the Internet exactly the way you want, with no limits, and accept that your parents can see it and might not approve. Or accept that what you put online is entirely public and maybe should have some limits.

Live your life on the Internet as though your mom can see it, and make choices about what you share with the whole damn world accordingly. Isn't that what we should all be doing anyway?

interviewing/dating

Hiring sucks.

I mean, looking for a job sucks, but I gotta tell all y'all who may be job hunting--it's no picnic on this side either.

I know who I want to hire as my President of this country (tomorrow woooo!). Hiring our latest Account Coordinator was the easiest thing in the world. Hiring this Account Executive we've been looking for for the last.... forever. That's been a different story.

I don't want to get into it too much because this is a public blog and who knows who reads it (she said, waving hello to her clients, employees and press contacts). So let's just say this.

The hiring process is like dating. I've actually been saying this so much lately I'm kind of surprised I haven't blogged it yet. Here's how it goes:

If you're hiring a replacement position then it's like starting post-breakup. Even if things ended on the best of terms, there's still a little sting of rejection there, it still kind of sucks. Plus, no matter how much you'd like to just take a break from dating and just hang out with your girlfriends and drink tequila/watch bad movies/go dancing/eat cheese and ignore all those losers for awhile, you can't. You have to get out there and date some more.

So you post your job, or your online dating profile/Myspace/Facebook page. And then you deal with all the losers trolling for tail.
Them: "Hey gorgeous, let me tell you all about why you'd be into me."
You: Um, okay. Would you care to start with why you're into me first, since you contacted me and presumably you'd like to go on a date?
Them: "No babe, but I lease a Mercedes and can bench 200."

UGH. Then, let's suppose in all that pile, you come across someone with potential.

"Hi, I think you're beautiful and amazing and would love the opportunity to take you out. I'm reasonably attractive, have a proper job, shower regularly, and can demonstrate a decent sense of humor in email format."

So you go on a date. Maybe it goes well, maybe it doesn't. Maybe you go on dates with multiple people, and some go well and some go really really well.

Here's where the similarity between hiring and dating ends: When you're dating, if a date goes well, then you..... go on another date. Or maybe it goes really really well and it goes back to your place. (Bow chicka wow wow!)

When you're hiring, however, if the first date goes well then you just skip ahead to moving in together. (Insert lesbian/U-haul dating joke here.)

It's just so frustrating and exhausting and after what has been a particularly difficult hiring process, it's just really hard to us trust someone enough to have them move in again. What if it turns out he can't communicate his feelings and you're feeling insecure all the time? What if he can't get along withe the rest of your family? What if he leaves wet towels on the bathroom floor and dishes in the sink and expects someone else to clean up after him? What if he can't get it up? What if he cheats on you? I mean, you would try & date someone long enough to find the answers to these questions before moving in together, wouldn't you?

But when you hire, you just have to make the leap of faith that a person knows what the CC line is for, that he'll respect and get along with your staff, that he'll pull his own weight, that he can keep up with the volume and speed of the job, and that he won't share your press list with the competition. You just have to go for it.

I feel like we've been interviewing/dating our US presidential candidates for close to 2 years, so we know them reasonably well enough to make a decision tomorrow. I've known the Account Coordinator we just hired for 3 years and couldn't be more thrilled to have him on the team.

I wish I could know just the right answer to this conundrum or have a better conclusion for all this, but I don't. It's just a leap of faith, and it's nerve-wracking, and I'll be really really glad when the whole hiring process is over and we have someone in place. Assuming, of course, we make the right choice.

For those of you on the other side of this, those of you job hunting, here's all I would say:

1. Write a good cover letter and include WHY you want that particular job in your letter BEFORE you talk about yourself. Also, keep it short--no one has time to read a long list of bullets about how awesome you are, and it comes across as conceited besides.
2. Proofread your shit, and use spell check. I can forgive typos if everything else on a resume is good, but if you didn't even take 2 seconds to click spell check, you're outta there.
3. READ THE JOB DESCRIPTION BEFORE YOU APPLY. Oh, my God, if I get one more sales person applying for our publicist job, I'm going to lose my ever-loving mind. Using my dating analogy, this is as basic as having a dude send you his profile even if your profile clearly stated you were only interested in women.
4. Come prepared to your interview. Look the part. Be neat, be yourself, be sincere.
5. Send a thank you email/card, and feel free to state again, some more, that you really want the job, and why. Most people will send a thank you, but almost no one takes that extra step, ever, so it will really set you apart.
6. I've got all kinds of other advice here, so just click that and don't screw it up.

That's it. I'm done. Hopefully we'll have someone hired soon and I can quit dating and all these shenanigans. Call me old & lame, but I am seriously just ready to spend some Saturday nights on the couch in my sweats with no makeup on watching Buffy. You know?

from Point A to Point B

WHO I AM RIGHT NOW:
Someone who stays up too late at night, wakes up too late in the morning, and drags ass on work until around 11 or 12. Someone who procrastinates work she dreads doing until it piles up into an unmanageable mess. Someone who exercises sporadically, even though she should be training.

WHO I WANT TO BE:
Someone who wakes up early in the morning and gets out of bed, ready for her day, right when the alarm goes off. Someone who straps on her sneakers and takes the dogs on a quick, early morning walk before feeding them & heading to the gym. Someone who, upon returning from the gym, showers, gets dressed in non-pajamas/sweats, and sits at her desk ready to tackle her day. Someone who does the work on her plate, even if it's gross accounting crap that she hates, and checks it off with minimum anxiety.

I have no idea how to get from Point A to Point B, but I'd like to start with getting up in the morning, so I'm asking you:

1. How do you get up in the morning? Alarm? Pets? Partner? Music? By all means, be specific.
2. What is the rest of your morning routine?
3. If you are NOT a morning person by choice, but have a productive morning routine anyway, how the heck did you make that happen? I want to be you!!

A Kick-Ass Cover Letter

How to write a kick-ass cover letter, in three easy steps:

Step 1: "You're Great!"
Why yes, flattery WILL get you everywhere! If you really want the job, and you want your resume & cover letter to be weeded out of the stack, start by telling the company exactly why you want the job. Why do you want to work for the company? Sure, the job sounds appealing, but why, specifically? (Aside from, "It's the kind that pays.") Why did you pick this job, of all the ones you looked at today? When reading job descriptions, you start to notice that companies use very specific words and phrases to describe their company, the job opportunity, and the person they're looking for. Things like "passionate" and "rapidly-growing" and "deadline-oriented." It's completely okay to parrot these things back to them. In fact, it's recommended. Show them that you not only read the whole job description, but that you were able to pick up with they were throwing down, and it really blew your skirt up.

PASS:
"Dear Hiring Manager:
My name is SusieWantsajob and I’m currently seeking employment in the marketing profession."

YES, PLEASE:
"Dear Hiring Manager:
I am truly excited to have an opportunity to apply for a position with a young, rapidly-growing agency like Click Communications. I love the idea of being able to join a passionate, hard-working team of fellow movie lovers, and put my experience to work in the dynamic field of home entertainment and online publicity."

Step 2: "I'm Great!"
So many of the cover letters I'm reading start here, and it just gets draining. This is why it's Step 2, not 1. Of course you want to sell yourself, and you only have a few sentences to convince your future employer that you're the bee's knees. Again, however, you need to sell yourself based on the job you want. It's great if you've crafted a nice boiler-plate for yourself that you can insert into every cover letter--after all, job hunting is hard work, and writing hundreds of unique cover letters every day can be a huge bummer. So use the things that are important to you in your template, then customize your letter with highlights of specific things about you that fit nicely with the specific job and company. If you're too vague, you're not selling, you're just bragging--and no one's listening.

PASS:
"I am confident my experience fulfilling directives of various projects related to public relations, marketing and promotions could provide much value and benefit to your team."

YES, PLEASE:
"I am familiar with many different aspects of entertainment and internet publicity. I am highly efficient, and organize my time to complete tasks quickly and accurately. I am also a self-starter and can work very well independently or as a team player."

Step 3: "Wouldn't We Be Great Together?"
You're almost done! You've already established that you're hot for the company and the job, and you've described the things about you that are awesome. Now here's where you outline the potential benefit of hiring you. If it's a young company, talk about your desire and ability to help them grow, and grow with them. If it's an established company, maybe mention the benefits of a fresh perspective on their already-strong team. Again, this is a benefit for the company, not you. People who are hiring already know that you want to further your career in the field of your choice, and grow as a professional. Save it. Instead, think about the reaction you had when you read the job posting, and think about what you told your friends and family. If you said something like, "This would be so perfect because I'd get to do this and this! And I'd be super awesome at helping them with this!" Well, then, your Step 3 is already written.

PASS:
I don't have a bad example of this because MOST PEOPLE SKIP IT.

YES, PLEASE:
"I am confident that my experience as a writer and a promotions intern would be a great fit in your growing company, and I am eager to contribute to your organization's success."

So that's it: You're Great + I'm Great + Wouldn't We Be Great Together? = A Kick-Ass Cover Letter = "Hello, Susie. This is Dinah from Click. I'd like to set up a time to discuss your resume further."

Considering how many people don't do this, I kind of can't believe I'm giving away this advice for free. The funny thing about all this is that, to me, this advice is old news. My dad gave me this advice when I wrote my very first cover letter. I must have been a teenager at the time, maybe? But it's stuck with me all these years BECAUSE IT WORKS. If nothing else, going through this process will help tell you if you are, in fact, applying for the Right Job, or just A Job. If it's just A Job, hey--you don't have to do any of this, and maybe people will be blown away by your resume and call you anyway. Or maybe they'll realize that it's just A Job to you, and move your resume to the recycling file. If it's the Right Job, though, then this should be easy.

(p.s. No, to Anonymous in the Comments and anyone else who finds this, I will NOT review your cover letter for you unless we are extremely close family or friends. In which case you have my email. And honestly, maybe not even then. Didn't you gather from all this that I am Very Busy and Important with a small business to run?)

to do with the 'do

I finally made an appointment to get my hair done. It's been, like, forever since I've had it cut or colored. Actually, I got my bangs trimmed in mid-February, and before that...end of December. That's how long it's been. It's TIME.

The problem is, I have no idea what to do with the 'do next. I generally like keeping it short, but I'm thinking I might like to grow it for while. Get it past my collar & see what happens. Maybe get it to the point where my pony tail isn't simply a mess of rubber band with a tiny tuft of hair poking out.

And what about the color? Do I go lighter for summer? Or do I continue with the darker color I've come to enjoy so much?

Plus, there are short-term and long-term goals to think about here. If I want to keep growing it, for example, then how do I get a cool and sassy cut today that will grow into something pretty tomorrow? On the flip side, I LIKE short hair, I look good in short hair, and there's really no chance of it getting all that long before it drives me crazy and I hack it all off anyway. Gah!

I know, I put way too much thought into this. I JUST WANT IT TO BE PRETTY.

So I did a super-quick mockup of potential hairstyles using one of those Japanese anime-inspired doll-making websites. What do YOU think?

To board or not to board

I have a dilemma.

I've been invited to go with a group to Mammoth next month. Get a hotel for a couple nights, hang out and drink & such, and, of course, do some snowboarding. Seems fun, right? First, let's take a closer look at what "snowboarding" will actually mean to me, aside from some beginner lessons and a lot of falling down.

I am not athletic. At ALL. I never have been. As a kid I used to ride my bike around, play a little tennis and, being a Hoosier, play a little basketball. I also ran track for, like, a week. That said, I can hit about 50% of the shots I take, but I never really could run & dribble at the same time. "Tennis" was actually me and my friend Stephanie running all over the damn court hitting whatever we could no matter how many times it bounced or how out of bounds it was. I never learned to serve overhand. Track was a joke - you can only get last place (by a lot) so many times before you get tired of your team mates calling you "Minute Maid," and quit. And when I try to ride a bike these days, my knees hurt inside of 5 minutes.

I don't run, I don't jump, and I don't play in any kind of athletic way. The only exercise I get is the hateful, forced variety that I impose upon myself because I'm trying desperately to reduce the mass of my ass. I consider this to be torture, despite having tried all varieties, both at home and the gym.

The last time I went on a hike, I got so dizzy I almost passed out and scraped the shit out of my shin and by the way, I still have a really ugly scar from it and it was almost a month ago.

I've tried downhill skiing. It took me 2 1/2 hours to get down a green slope and I wanted to cry and shove one of those god-awful robot boots right up my so-called "friends" asses one by one for convincing me it would be fun.

I've tried cross-country skiing--what a miserable fucking day that was. I never got the hang of it, so mostly I was moving forward inches at a time, sweating my ass off in the cold (go figure that one), slowing down the group and basically feeling like a loser all day. Thank god I at least had mAc on that trip to entertain me, although the poor guy got an earful and a half after I fell through a particularly nasty patch of icy snow.

I've tried snorkeling and "snuba" diving (a cross between snorkeling and scuba, but I'm sure you figured that out on your own). That was actually really nice and the snuba instructor told both mAc and me that we were fairly natural at it. Mind you, that was in Maui, so I doubt it's an experience I could replicate in the cold, polluted waters of southern California's Pacific, even if I wanted to.

I feel like I've tried a lot, you know? Hell, I even joined my company's softball team in 2003 knowing all of this about myself, and I practiced throwing and catching and hitting and I even got a little better.... but I hated every game. No one wants to be the loser that drags the team down. So that was that.

So what the heck was I thinking when I said I'd be interested to try snowboarding? It's cold and slippery and everyone who learns falls down all the time when they first start: ALL THINGS I HATE. Plus, I'll suck at it. I don't think I'm being negative when I say that; I have sufficient data. I WILL SUCK AND I WILL BE MISERABLE.

But as much as I hate subjecting myself to the physical pain and social humiliation of trying new activities, I hate being the negative whiner even more. It's stupid pride, but I constantly feel compelled to at least try. Maybe just so I can say that I tried? I don't know.

There's also the issue of the gear. I never have the right gear. I used an old, heavy, wooden hand-me-down tennis racket when everyone else had light-weight metal ones. My downhill skiing ensemble was a yellow, red, and black hodge-podge of ugly, borrowed crap. At least when I tried to ski cross-country, I was able to borrow something sassy from my stylish snowboarding friend who's my size.

What do I do now? Do I waste money on gear for an adventure that I'm 99% certain I am going to hate, and then be stuck with it? Or do I try to borrow something so I can suffer the humiliation of wearing/using someone else's crap for the bazillionth time in my life?

I wish I could be one of those people who's confident enough to just say, "I don't do athletic activities, thanks." And move on. But I can't. I can't say it without imagining the listener thinking, "Well, maybe if you did, you wouldn't be so flabby and out of shape, Fatass." You can't tell me no one is thinking that. You've thought it at least once, I bet.

At this point, the invitation is on the table: to board or not to board. That is the question. We need to commit, like, today in order to reserve the room.

Do I succumb to my fear and past trauma and take a pass? Or do I push past one more time, try one more new thing, and get my ass kicked again? That, my friends, is the REAL question.

No, really. I want your opinion.

you can't work for me

Dear potential job applicants and interviewees,
Hello. I have been going through resumes, reading cover letters, and chatting up potential new hires for quite some time now. At this point, I have a little advice for anyone else who'd like to be considered for a job working for me.

1. Punctuation matters. You tell me, "I promise you don't have to look at any more resume's after this one!" And yet I do. Do you know why? Can you see it? Obviously not, because you just left it in, glaring and wrong and insulting and honey? PASS.

2. Spelling also matters. Understand the difference between there, their and they're. Don't mess up your or you're either. Its and it's are two (not to or too) totally different things. If you can't get it right? Then I'm going to have to worry about double-checking every written piece you put in front of a senior executive or client, and baby, I so do not have time. PASS.

3. Format your resume. You're applying for a sales and marketing position. Sell yourself for god's sake. By the way, you know what I want to do when I see a bunch of random, un-matching fonts on the same resume? Send you a little note that says, "ARIAL, dumbass!" And also PASS.

4. Make eye contact in your interview. Seriously, have you never done a job interview before? Why are you always looking to the left? Is there a bear dancing with a juggling midget on that side of the room? Do I have some sort of disgusting creature dangling from my nose that you can't look at or you'll vomit? Do you think for even a minute that I'm going to trust you to perform well in client meetings if you can't even make eye contact with me? No? Well, you're right. PASS.

5. Try & stay positive, dude. If I ask you to describe your ideal work environment, and you take the opportunity to rip on the crappy office you're in now, there's a small chance I won't be impressed. Furthermore, don't bitch to me about how much you hate poor communication at work. EVERYONE hates poor communication at work. Communication at work sucks. Everyone thinks their communication style is superior, and even if it is, things will still slip through the cracks. It happens, you deal. When you try and blame poor performance or missed deadlines on bad communication, however, then that tells me that you are either a blame-shifter or you just have a piss-poor attitude when it comes to rolling with the punches. So, no. PASS.

6. Prepare answers for your interview question basics. I don't mind when people tell me they've heard a particular question repeatedly, nor am I surprised. I am, however, very much surprised when I discover that you don't have an appropriate answer prepared. What are the basics? They are:
-Tell me why you're interested in this position. (I want to know that you REALLY WANT it, not that you just need to escape your current hell of a job.)
-What job/projects have enjoyed the most? (I just want to make sure the things that blow your skirt up jive with the position for which you're interviewing.)
-Describe your ideal work environment. (See above.)
-Describe your ideal job. (I don't care if it's "rock star," as long as you can articulate it. If you can't, then you have no direction.)
-Why are you leaving your current position? (PREPARE. THIS. ANSWER. If you tell me it's because your boss sucks, then I'm immediately going to wonder if you're going to bad-mouth me when you're ready to leave this job. Your boss might truly suck, but you gotta at least go with the tried and true, "I'm looking to grow professionally.")
-Is there anything else you can tell me about yourself that we haven't already covered? (Yes. Yes, there always is. Here's the thing: job interviews are the ONLY TIME that you get to sit in front of someone and basically say, "I rock. I'm the shit. I'm amazing. I'm everything you wanted, and more." Or whatever. Do not sell yourself short. Take the opportunity to drive home the reasons for why you're awesome, whether I invite you to or not. I mean it.)

Finally,
7. Don't bullshit me. I'm a sales and marketing professional: I am a goddamn bullshit EXPERT. The only jobs more experienced at bullshit than mine are that of publicist and lawyer. Have you ever heard the expression, "Don't bullshit a bullshitter?" It's excellent advice. My bullshit radar is FINELY TUNED. If you don't have the experience I'm asking about, just SAY SO. By all means, add that you're hungry to get it, that you look forward to training, that you have related experience that you think lends itself to that particular area, or whatever. But if you bullshit me? PASS, PASS, and oh, by the way, I will probably also tell every other department that might be hiring to also go ahead and PASS.

Follow my advice, kiddies, and we just might have a glorious future together. I'm not really that much of a hard-ass, I promise. But if you think you can get a job peddling laziness and mediocrity, well. You could probably work for the Bush Administration.

But you can't work for me.
Love,
Dinah