I give up.

I don't know how many times I have to go through this.

First, there was a rant. Then there was another rant. Then I was like, this can't keep going on. I need to make peace with this. I mean, it's just a name. I've screwed up other people's names before. Usually they're unusual, or we're at a loud party or something, but still. It happens. It would probably be better for me if I didn't let it bother me so much. I decided life would be happier with more of a Zen approach.

But not today. Here's why.

I ordered this book from a re-seller on Amazon. It's called, "Someone's in the Kitchen with Dinah," by Dinah Shore. Isn't it darling?

It's also called, "Someone's in the Kitchen with DINAH," by DINAH Shore. Ordered by a woman who, coincidentally, is named DINAH.

AND YET.

Oh, COME. ON. There are two--TWO--accurate spellings of my name RIGHT ON THE COVER OF THE VERY BOOK YOU ARE MAILING.

SERIOUSLY?! SERIOUSLY?!!!?!?!?!?!?!?!

I give up.

THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!

Anyone else feel a seismic shift in the planet last night? Walk through a rift in the space/time continuum, perhaps? Fall backwards when the earth tilted slowly on its axis, throwing your world all ass up for a minute? No? Just me then?

I met another Dinah last night. For the first time in my life EVER.

This might not seem like a big deal to anyone but me, but I've been walking around for almost 31 years feeling extremely unique. I love my name, but it's unusual. People mess it up all the time because they're not used to hearing it, and if they are familiar with my name it's because they know another woman named Dinah who, by the way, is 82. It's old-fashioned and uncommon, and doesn't even register in the top 1,000 US names except for a little while in the 50's. Which, honestly, I always thought was kind of awesome.

That said, I've always been very curious to meet another Dinah, just to see what she's like. And last night, standing in line to see Superman Returns (which is super fun, by the way), I did. Just as casual as you please, mAc and I met the group that our friend Mike had brought with him: "Hi, I'm Ted, I'm Brian, this is Anya, I'm Abby, I'm Dinah." Wait, what? REALLY? Spelled the same and everything? Wooooooooooooooow..........

At first we bonded over things only a Dinah can share: "Do people mispronounce your name all the time?" "Dude, totally: Diana, Deena, Donna..." "...Dana, Diabla..." "Diabla???" "Yeah." "Wow, the worst I ever got was Diamond!" Followed up with, "Have you ever searched for other Dinahs on MySpace? They're all..." "ASIAN! I KNOW! What is that??"

After that, however, we were done. Dinah was not as impressed with this unique coincidence or, quite frankly, as friendly as I hoped she'd be.

She's also 1 inch taller than me (at 5'11"), at least 30 lbs lighter (bitch!), and ridiculously pretty (BITCH!). She used to model. Ultimately, instead of being cool and delighted and fun or whatever I hoped Dinah would be when I finally met her, it turned out she was just another skinny LA model with a pretty face and an aloof attitude. After my mind stopped being totally BLOWN, I just felt disappointed and jealous and unsure of what I should do with this experience moving forward.

And then it came to me. Clearly, the only thing TO do is hunt her down, decapitate her with a medieval sword, and absorb her power. THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!

Aw, yeah

Okay, so a friend of mine posted this fun link to a site that makes a slogan out of your name. Examples of what the site was cranking out for various names:
"My Anti-Drug is Dustin"
"Shake the Bottle, Wake the Kelly"
"It's the Bright one, it's the Right one, it's Nicole"
"Nobody Does It Like Steven"
"Behold The Power of Matt"

Cute, right? Yeah. THIS is what it kicked out for me:


Aw, yeah.

Wow.

I know I've already ranted about this. I know. People misspell things and names get butchered all the time. Is it Carrie, Kerry or Kari? Lesley or Leslie? Brian or Bryan? Sarah or Sara? It's common, people are dumb, and I have both been there and told that story.

But damn.

Do you know, in order to send me an email at work, you actually need to look up my email address by typing my name? So presumably, this person looked up my name by spelling it correctly, then decided.... what? What was this person thinking? Seriously, if you think of anything, please let me know.

I mean, come ON.

And by the way?

What is the deal with people misspelling my name when they're sending me an email? You have my email address, it clearly says "dinah" right in the fucking address. Are you lazy? 5 letters too much for you? Just too busy, perhaps? Only time for a d-i-n-a, no time for an h? Or maybe you think that I have chosen to misspell my name, and you'd like to take this opportunity to correct me. Well you know what, buddy? Don't. It's Dinah. It's not that hard. "Someone's in the kitchen with" ring a bell? And, no, don't start singing. Believe me, I've heard it. (And if "Dinah won't you..." comes out of your mouth, I will pop you. I won't, you're a pervert, and the song's about a train. Ass.)

Furthermore, I would like to add for the benefit of people taking my name over the phone: when I spell D-i-n-a-h, that does not directly translate to D-i-a-n-a, no matter how hard you try. I know, Dinah is kind of unusual, Diana would be easier for you ,and hey, Diana's Wonder Woman. I totally get the appeal. But dude? Not my name.

Nor, by the way, is it any of the following: Dana, Donna, Diane, or Deena. I know, that 'I' in the middle of the name is sooo confusing. And maybe some women pronounce it differently, but if you call me Deena and I correct you? Please don't do it again, or I will be forced to hate you forever for being STUPID.

Finally, for anyone still confused, I present to you Dinah's in History:
Dinah Shore, 40's big band soloist, 70's talk show host.

Dinah Washington, gritty jazz & blues singer of 40's & 50's.

Dinah Manoff, barely famous for roles as Marty in Grease and as a daughter on "Empty Nest."

Dinah the Cat, from Alice in Wonderland.

And my personal favorite,
Dinah Lance, aka The Black Canary.

Mispronounce her name? She'll make your ears bleed and kick your ass.