my beaten, yet victorious, ass

I was going to go with "Shark Fight."

The story went like this: I was in Hawaii, enjoying my Big Island vacation and frolicking in the surf, when suddenly a shark swam up to me all, "I'm gonna EAT YOU!!" and he bit my ankle. So I punch him in the face and knocked his teeth out! But then he smacked me in the face with his tail and head-butted me in the shoulder, and then bit the back of my legs! Thank god he didn't have any teeth anymore, so he just gummed my legs and left big bruises. But it hurt!! So I kicked him in the nuts. And he was like, "Ow! Sonofa!" and he finally swam away. And I dragged my beaten, yet victorious, ass out of the water and collapsed face first on the sand. And when I awoke, my back, shoulders, & arms were all sun-burnt.

And then I got home from Hawaii, and read about this.

So I've decided to go with the other story, which is less fun and goes like this: First, I flayed over an inch of skin from my ankle in the shower with my cheap-as-shit Bic Soleil razor and bled all over the hotel bathroom, and worried about convincing the hotel staff that someone had been horribly murdered. Then I jumped off the high dive of a boat, and landed in the water in a seated position, and gave myself multiple contusions (that's when a bruise is also a bumpy welt) on the backs of my legs, one of them bigger then both of my hands end to end. Then, after applying and re-applying water and sweat-proof sunscreen religiously all week, I forgot to re-apply it after the boat trip, and sunburned the hell out of my back and shoulders in the convertible on the drive back to where we were staying. But none of these injuries would stop me from going back into the ocean on my last day of my trip, and when I saw the big wave coming I thought, "Um, that looks like it's going to kill me. What am I supposed to do?" The ocean, merciless bastard it is, gave me no time to figure out the right answer, and flipped me over until I pounded its sandy bottom with my shoulder and face.

So, yeah. Hawaii was awesome and we had an amazing vacation. We got to see whales, dolphins, sea turtles, a mongoose, brown geckos, green geckos, and countless birds, bugs and fish. We drank all the refreshing island cocktails ever invented and watched the sun set over the ocean. We got lomi lomi massages by the water. We bonded even more with my sister Amy and her husband Chip. We ate some of the most delicious fish you can imagine. I'm not complaining, it was a dreamy, relaxing vacation.



I'm just saying: I got beat to shit, dude. It's probably for the best that we're back.