Moms are TOTALLY embarrassing!

Look. All of the bitching about Moms on Facebook has got to stop. I just watched a video of a dude who outlined an entire PowerPoint presentation for dealing with Moms on Facebook that ended with this nugget:

According to him (and you can watch the video here), more people are searching for ways to deal with their Moms on Facebook than are searching for ways to Find God.

So here's my solution for how to deal with Moms on Facebook:
GET OVER IT.

But! What about my PRIVACY?!?!?
In case you weren't aware, Facebook is on the Internet, dummy. It's public. You HAVE NO PRIVACY on the Internet.

Once you start putting your life online, your mom is not the only one who can see what you're up to and judge you for it. There are, in fact, entire sites dedicated to calling out dumb-ass behavior on Facebook. Just one example of someone looking you up online: future employers. It is a FACT that companies can and will choose whether or not to hire you based on what they find about you online.

Also, here's a revelation--you don't actually WANT privacy. If you wanted privacy, you would un-tag or delete those embarrassing pictures, you wouldn't air out your relationship problems in your damn status update, and you wouldn't tell the world about every minute detail of your life.

What you want is ATTENTION. It's not entirely your fault--our society rewards the famous more than anyone else, even those who gain notoriety for being complete and utter dumb shits. You want that too, and that's okay. But all those famous people also have parents, and have had no choice but to accept a more open relationship with them. Loss of privacy is a trade off and consequence of increased fame and attention. You want one, you get the other, period.

But! I can't be MYSELF!
Sure you can. This is only really a problem if
A) Being yourself involves being a complete and total douche bag
B) You lie to your parents on a regular basis and have a crappy relationship
or C) Your parents have had every other thought and experience in their lives surgically removed from their brains except for all of their lovely memories of YOU.

Let's start with C)
When I learned that my mom had discovered my blog, I had a small moment of panic and gasped, "But I swear on my blog!" And then I rolled my eyes at myself and GOT OVER IT because guess what? Mom has read, heard, and even uttered curse words before. I know, SHOCKING, right?

One of my favorite examples of living life publicly for all to see, including Mom, is Dooce. Here is a woman who talks about everything from hemorrhoids to duck farts in her blog and in person, and if you read her awesome and highly detailed story of the birth of her second daughter, you will note that she was in so much pain she was screaming profanities right in front of her very own darling mother. And her mom remained unphased.

You know why? Our parents have heard it all before. They had whole entire LIVES before we even showed up. Your parents did all kinds of stuff before you were born, and here's a real shocker: some of them still do! The idea that your mom has nothing better to do than wash your clothes and stalk you on the Internet is stupid.

As for B) Quit lying to your parents. If you are making adult decisions and enjoying the fun and freedom of adult behavior, then it is time to have an adult relationship with your parents. With or without Facebook, they probably know or at least assume you're making some dumb choices anyway, and they probably still like you just fine.

One of my favorite stories of a mother-son relationship is this one: A guy I know went to college and fully rebelled against many of the rules of his loving, yet conservative, upbringing. When his mom came to visit him at school, he took her to lunch, sat her down and said, "Mom. I have to tell you something. I drink. I smoke. I have tattoos. And I'm no longer going to church."

First of all, she was relieved because she thought he was going to tell her he'd gotten someone pregnant, which I just think is funny. Then she responded, "I do wish you'd go to church. But you REALLY shouldn't smoke." Which, hi, she's totally right--smoking is really bad for you.

The point is, she didn't lose her mind over what turned out to be a fairly small revelation about her son. In fact, there is a lot of value to being honest with your parents, especially as an adult. I recognize and respect that not everyone has loving parents who want the best for them, and those situations should be handled differently. But if your parents DO love you and want the best for you, and you're lying to them anyway? Knock it off.

Finally, A) Easy solution: Quit acting like a total douche bag.

If you're all weirded out or even ashamed by the idea of your mom finding out about your behavior, then I'd like to take a moment to congratulate your mom for raising you right. That means that that nagging voice in the back of your head telling you not to do that stupid thing? That's your MOM. That voice is trying to save you from yourself. Maybe instead of worrying about what she'll think of you when she finds out, you should LISTEN TO HER.

But! My mom is EMBARRASSING ME!

First of all, if you're a teenager: I know right?? Moms are TOTALLY embarrassing! It's like it's their JOB or something. GOD.

Now, if you are NOT a teenager: Oh, honey. You have a mom who wants to be involved in your life, who cares about how you're doing, and has fond memories of your childhood with pictures to back it up? That's... awesome. No, really. Have you seen Precious: Based on the novel Push by Sapphire? Or met anyone outside of your own little world who didn't grow up exactly like you did? Because not all moms and dads care that much, dude. Some of them suck, mightily. Some people don't even HAVE moms, how sad is that? If you have a mom, and she's still around, and she doesn't suck, maybe you should take a minute to be grateful. (Yes, I realize I just sounded JUST LIKE HER just then. No, I am not your mom writing this in disguise. Or a mom at all, in fact. I'm just someone who is lucky and knows it.)

Also, check this out--all your friends? That you're worried about impressing with your cool, unsupervised life? They also have moms (again, if they're lucky). They know what it is to be embarrassed. What a fun thing to share, have in common, and laugh about. I mean, you do have a sense of humor, right?

But! But!
You have officially run out of buts. (Heh. "Butts.") Your mom being on Facebook does not actually mean that your life is over. There is officially nothing left to do, but get over it. Either live your life publicly on the Internet exactly the way you want, with no limits, and accept that your parents can see it and might not approve. Or accept that what you put online is entirely public and maybe should have some limits.

Live your life on the Internet as though your mom can see it, and make choices about what you share with the whole damn world accordingly. Isn't that what we should all be doing anyway?